As I was going through trashed notes on my phone, I saw a note.
It was written to me from me.
“When free, check your laptop” it said.
Out of anticipation I checked my laptop.
After good few minutes of struggle, I found one video.The video of me, sleeping. It was 5 hrs long video. Why would I film myself sleeping I thought. Fast forward 03:45:46 , I found myself trapped into sudden uncontrolled movements/tremors. I saw me hurting myself near my eyes, pelvis and all over the face on the video. Watching this, I quickly got up thrashing my laptop aside, Stood in front of mirror, this was real. I pulled up my T-shirt, the bruise was still there on my pelvis. Then it all came to me,got all my answers to questions like :
Why am I lying down always on mattress instead of my bed?
Why I always feel sleepy?
Why is everybody staring at me?
Why they are giving me so many tablets everyday?
Why they are sympathizing with me?
Who are these people?
Why there are so many wires connected to my head?
Why am I under this huge machine?
Why I feel like taking my own life?
Why I feel so hollow?
It started to ache again. My head started feeling heavy. I passed out. I opened my eyes after minutes. I was lying down on the same mattress once again. I had lost consciousness.
People with concerned faces standing by my side. Wait a minute, “I taste something salty” I said to myself.
I checked, it was blood. I cut my tongue this time, which they said is normal given my condition. “Why this is happening”.. I screamed, given the fact I’m still confused, People around me changed my clothes, Gave me pills. It was after months of continuous struggle with my brain,
I got to know I have epilepsy.
Unable to form sentences resulting in Speech impediments, loosing consciousness, constant tremors, twitching eyebrows and lips, ability to write and even hold a spoon with my own hands was gone. After overcoming the physical hindrances, then came the worst of it, The mental illness. The depression. The never ending tunnel of self pity and self harm.
“When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel”. I often used to ask myself.
I was afraid. Afraid of losing myself. Afraid that I’ll lose my loved ones. Afraid that they’ll simply get bored of my continuous ranting. So I stopped sharing. Which I believe was the worst step. My overthinking skills led me one step closer to depression and suicide. I then cried. Cried for help. Happy from outside, torn from the inside they said is a clear sign that I’m snapped . Broken. Hopeless. They, here, referring to my close friends. Now, I talked myself to come out of it. I started a regime,
Regime to meditate, giving myself some time to heal. Even though it takes years. I took my closed ones into confidence that I’ll be normal soon. The healing process started and here I am. One year and 2 months seizure free. Still on medications and have to take precautions, still facing the side effects from all the pills but it’s all worth it when I look back at the black hole I was in. Epilepsy as a mental illness is common but people never take it seriously and often they judge people. We have to change this mentality. Fight against them with peace and make them believe that it can happen to anyone.