“The artist is the creator of beautiful things. To reveal self and conceal the artist is art’s aim. The critic is he who can translate into another manner or a new material his impression of beautiful things.Translate me then …”

A day full of arrhythmic heart beats, couldn’t sit quietly. I’ll die soon. What’s happening. Cant even cry properly. there’s too many people around in the house. I need my place to sob. I need my safe haven. But what is it? where is it? Chasing Chinese whispers for like weeks, we decided to go to the hospital. A place where I definitely don’t want to step into. My parents know it. I sometimes skip my medicines cause I dont like to have so many tablets. I dont want to live like I’m on a barbecue rod and somebody’s rolling me, saving me from getting grilled. ultimately I AM getting harmed, one way or the other. The neuro’s team kept me under observation for couple for hours. No doubt, I felt like transformers again under all those wires. They reached the conclusion and said “You’re likely to have Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy with Frontal lobe disorder”

Now, Epilepsy was fine with me. But frontal lobe epilepsy? what in the world is that? They told me , I’ll me more volatile as they’re going to change the medications, well, guess they were right!! Every time I try to make my life choices better and bend according to me and I fail. People expect me to “cope up” or somehow “live with it” or ‘deal with it” . Yes, I am doing it, but would anyone let me BREATHE ??

I am just skeptical about life right now. what to do next? I am always lethargic. I love to work but my eyes deny to look up into the screen. They said, don’t take stress. But no one tells you “How not to take stress” , they don’t make me laugh, they don’t stop by and call me randomly.

Now, you know how there is different place for everyone in one’s heart. I believe you can’t put one single person on a highest pedestal and revolve your world around it. doesn’t make sense.What weird is, The person i thought who would be most effected by this as much as i am, he contacted me the least in these last few days thinking i need time. *One shot down*

It might not be a big thing cause well, I’ve been battling this for quite long time but hey, who doesn’t like to be pampered Hun? instead , my other friends, which I’m not afraid to say so, are quite helpful. Even at caressing my hair! *two shots down*

When, I was having mental breakdown, i am having viral fever/covid, trump ,who knows what asgardian fever, i simply texted bye and switched my phone off. After one hour of failed trials of “catching straight Zs” , I switched on my phone, I got a call from my friend. It’s really startling how these little things can effect you. although I might have terrified him cause I shared a lot that day and he’s not even my close buddy. Its just that he was there. we fight, but he stays. *three shots down*

The same day I checked, my other friend (this one is a high end photographer) called me on Instagram. I couldn’t pick up cause I dont use Insta most of the time and even after knowing he’s blocked from everywhere else (he’s a real distraction), he still called. *four shots down*

Now why am I blabbering to you all of this? cause I am rotting! I am not being negative. The doctors said there are a lot of side effects of the medicines I’m having like weight gain, volatile nature, blurred vision, nausea, tremors,drowsiness etc. the list is too long. I am not saying I’m gonna die.That’s plain stupid. This is a reminder that life is hell right now. I don’t want to lose my family,passion,friends and work cause of this problem. This is a reminder, that if one person didn’t respond well as I expected, doesn’t mean nobody cares. They all do.

The condition will change soon. I will get better. Till then let the phoenix tears heal everything that’s etched in my heart. That’s my safe haven for now. Give me time to breathe. I’m done for sometime now. My heart needs a break here. Oh, It already take breaks from time to time. lol *Glass drop*