I’m sitting in my new office, as an MD, I mean really?? An amazing office, which I thought I’ll always get to sit in eventually, yet, I’m questioning myself. Why? you ask because recently I was told by one of my old friends, that I “inherited” all of it. I definitely covered my emotions with sarcasm and laughter but inside there were SO MANY QUESTIONS! Am I not enough for this company? Will I be able to run this business? Hell, I can barely remember names. FUCK YOU EPILEPSY!! and the day went in lethargy thinking “I’m not enough”, and a few weeks more passed by. I couldn’t sum up my energy and focus on how can I do things because well, let’s just accept the fact, my mother literally invested money in this new factory and gave it to me. And I’m here sitting like “Now what!”

person s hand touching wall
Photo by Pedro Figueras

I thought of going back to the basics and using one of the techniques to avoid overthinking which is called “The Tiramisu Principle” which basically means if you are in a situation when you are just confused and overthinking, breathe and write down the layers of WHY are you feeling like this. And I did. Generally, I get my solution in 2-3 layers. This time, it went a little too deep, too cold on me. So, I thought of explaining it to my future self as well as that friend of mine, just for reference, I jotted down everything and started writing it on here because my mind wanders, and I have effed up Feral thoughts, might as well use it for the good, eh?

So here it is, Layer 1: So am I annoyed? I’m questioning if I really just “inherited” all of this in the blink of an eye.

Layer 2: I am questioning my Capabilities. I always do. One thing going wrong, and boom! my mind goes down the spiral, and no motivation left.

Layer 3: To justify this effing layer 2, I often think about epilepsy because my body hurts the whole day, I feel lethargic, I’ve lost like 5kgs I guess in this process. I don’t self-pity. But let’s be honest, I feel like I’m doing it. Because REALLLY, I don’t understand things “easily”, hence again, layer 2.

Layer 4: Change of the forte = Double Anxiety. Period.

Layer 5: Totally different environment.

And yada yada yada.. the layers went on which were all interconnected with one another. So now that? Once I know What are the layers, I have to understand what to do about them? because due to this anxiety, my nights were getting longer and I am not even in love, it just a phase that I’m going through. (See what I did there? ) Anyway, coming back to the topic–

Ok, so first of all the things keeping aside, I was given a choice a few years back if I wanted to join the family business. I only said no, because I, personally wanted to learn new things and go out. So there’s that. Secondly, I resigned when I stopped growing, learning through the organization I was in. I always had a plan. I still remember one of my senior mentors and a great person I knew, Late Shibendu Ray Sir (Ex-Director, MNCFC) used to tell me:

“If you are not growing in an organization, and if you think your capabilities are not recognized time and again, atleast learn from it, don’t repeat in next one”

Late Dr. Shibendu Shankar Ray

I was pretty much sure what he meant. It came as a shock when I got to know he’s no more. But his ideals are still instilled in me. I went to see him a couple of times just to see if he’s doing well and tell him what was going on because he always supported me like a father. I miss him at times now. . Coming back, I have survived a different environment earlier, so layer 5 is out of the table. I am coming from a Commerce background, have done my post-grad in Geoinformatics, and now going in the Chemical industry. I guess, it’s overwhelming but I like change. Yes, I will have to work hard, but on the plus side, it’ll give me the “sense of achievement” which I never got before. Plus, there’s a do and die situation, so I HAVE TO GET THIS RIGHT. Layer 4, which I’m in right now (transitioning), needs a lot of hard work so now I am not questioning my capabilities anymore. Phew! Is layer 2 off the table? Check! About Epilepsy, yes it does play a part, but I have to manage it. If I keep it in my head, it’ll overshadow my own productivity, so I keep myself busy, try to be better and NOT do the things which I arent necessary, as my mentor used to say. And last but not the least, the inheritance. Yes, Amma made me MD of the expanded business, but all because I said so. It was my own choice. She asked me a few years before as well, I refused. I could have got it all right? But I wanted to see how things work in the corporate world. It is my choice, to work, earn, hustle, and be my own boss. So to quote this struggle:

“Manzil Milegi bahar bhatak kar hi sahi,

Bhatake hue toh voh hain, jo bahar nikle hi nhi.”

Anonymous

Let’s hope I get to my senses soon.